Fighting Myself

I don't know who I am anymore. The Virus is here for me. Always cold, calculated, logical. And me, weak, caring, trusting. The Virus is the superior being in this battle. And it is to him that I relinquish this situation to. I wish only for my mistakes to be forgotten, not forgiven. I know that I have condemned myself to this life. Destined to become a lock-in in my future, no friends, no contacts, no family. I have done this to myself. I drown out these thoughts with music in a futile attempt to resist these suicidal tendencies that The Virus is pushing upon me. Passing the blame off onto a dear friend that I have pushed away. Fuck, I don't know what to do. Who is wrong in situations such as these, who is the antagonizer and who is the victim. I have broken another one of my rules, friends never say goodbye. Harnessing my greatest fear and using it against myself, I drive out The Virus, if only temporarily. If I had a soul to condemn, no doubt she would have already wished me to hell. But hell holds no torture greater than that of loneliness. It is to you dear readers that I write this letter of hate. Praying to the Gods that one of you may be able to relate to my inner hatred towards The Virus and myself. I thank you for your time. And Goodbye.

SAW

Broken

I am Broken. A heart, a memory. Shattered into a million pieces. Shards flying through space, reflecting events of time. Recollections of the past, glimpses of the future, and the realization of the present. I told a close friend that I loved her, the feeling was somewhat mutual. Just not in the way I had wanted. I act like it doesn't hurt. I act like there is no pain. But there is, and it will remain. I tried, and that alone should be an accomplishment, but I hate to say that it's not enough. I tell her that whatever works for her is good enough for me, I just want her to be happy. Such an odd emotion, "love". I'm not supposed to believe in it. I'm supposed to be immune to such.... Human emotion. But I was willing to try. I did try. And I was shot down, because the feelings conflicted. So I will stay a "brother" to her, if that is what she truly wants.

-Andre